Guest Blogger Mark Tolman: "Becoming Dad"

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Guest Blogger Mark Tolman: "Becoming Dad"

Jonathan here: Allow me to introduce my friend, Mark Tolman (see his bio below), who I met my freshman year of college. We camped out one night  with some friends on the sidewalk in downtown Salt Lake City. Why? That's another story. But back then we were just regular guys. Neither of us were the polished professionals we are now who (seemingly) have all the answers for our clients. For now, I'd like you to hear Mark's thoughts on Father's Day, not as a professional, but as a regular guy, who like me, and like you, have had to somehow figure out this whole dad thing...

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The Answers You Get

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The Answers You Get

I often remind people to be careful when seeking my advice and counsel: "Do you want the answer you want to hear or that is easiest to hear or do you want the answer you need to hear even if it's hard to hear?" For example, on one daddy daughter date last year with my teen girl I asked her, "How am I doing as a dad? What can I do better or differently to help you?" The answer I got really surprised me.

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"Because I'm the Man..."

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"Because I'm the Man..."

Friends, I am still astounded (even though I should know better) when I hear some men use the "argument", "Because I'm the man" to get their way and to exert control over their partners. That this still continues in this day and age is really amazing... and pathetic. Yet it does still and it takes all my professional training to keep from... Well, I won't say. Fortunately, there are many men who have long ago rejected that worn-out oppressive model. 

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Dads, Testosterone and Intimacy

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Dads, Testosterone and Intimacy

As a marriage and family therapist, sex therapy is a common part of my practice. Often, people (men) worry that they aren't having as much sex as they used to when they were first married and that must mean there is something wrong with their marriage. This often leads to conflict in the marriage. 

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Happy(?) Fathers Day...

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Happy(?) Fathers Day...

Happy Fathers Day! To those of you who have, or had, great dads, rejoice! I know, however, there are many who had absent fathers, abusive "sperm donors" and/or downright crummy dads. For them, Fathers Day isn't a day of pleasant memories of the man who mentored them into adulthood but is a day of harsh memories and broken hearts.

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Any Dad's Relate to the Work of the Woman, the Craft of the Father?

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Any Dad's Relate to the Work of the Woman, the Craft of the Father?

"I stand outside this woman's work. Now starts the craft of the father."
—Kate Bush, This Woman's Work, from the movie She's Having a Baby

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Hanging with the Fam

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Hanging with the Fam

Several years ago, a neighbor asked my wife, Kara, "So what are Jon's hobbies? What does he do for fun?" She told him simply, "When Jon comes home, after seeing me, he seeks out the kids and plops down and starts playing with them. That's what he loves to do. That's his fun. I guess that's his hobby: Our kids." My wife's observation of me made me feel great…

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Fathers' Day Picture Says 1,000 Words

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Fathers' Day Picture Says 1,000 Words

We attended church on Fathers' Day with my cousin's family where I spied this dad zonked out with his little guy on the foyer couch. Been there. This picture says so much. As a father of two girls and two boys, I caught as many desperate cat naps as I could snag wherever and whenever I could. This father and his baby boy brought a lot back and I felt for him: For his exhaustion, and for the sublime honor and pleasure to be so entrusted with such a profound little life.

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Husband Training 101

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Husband Training 101

I'm giving a presentation called "Husband Training 101.” Some people have recoiled against the choice of word "training" as they think it sounds demeaning somehow--like training a dog (what's demeaning about training a dog? Okay, I know, I get it--the problem is that I'm supposedly comparing husbands to dogs. Am I? No, I are one! Husband, not dog, that is...). My point is that good training in ANY aspect of life tends towards mucho better results (sports, work, school, and yes, marriage, family, parenting AND even husbands).

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