4/52 Love is Behavior that Generates Outcomes—"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" by Bryan Adams

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THE SONG 

Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman? by Bryan Adams

To really love a woman, to understand her you got to know her deep inside
Hear every thought, see every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
That she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
That it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really, really ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman let her hold you
'Til you know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her, really taste her
'Til you can feel her in your blood
And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
'Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
That you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really,
Really, really ever loved a woman?

You got to give her some faith, hold her tight
A little tenderness, you gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman, yeah
And when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
That she's really wanted When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
'Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
That it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really, really ever loved a woman?

Just tell me have you ever really,
Really, really, ever loved a woman?
Just tell me have you ever really,
Really, really, ever loved a woman?

THE LOVE NOTE

Dear Kara,

This is one of my favorites from one of my favorite movies, Don Juan de Marco (with Johnny Depp, Marlon Brando and Faye Dunaway). It’s so passionate but not fluffy or sappy. To me, it’s about love being not just a feeling but really a behavior. I hope that I behave this way towards you. I love you so much and you deserve so much—the best!

Love, J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE

Love is a Series of Behaviors that Generate Outcomes. There is so much relational wisdom is this one song as it so well illustrates some key behaviors to really love your woman. 

Allow me to expound a bit on the behaviors identified in this song:

"To understand her "

  • True love cannot exist without accurate understanding. As Stephen Covey wisely advised, "Seek first to understand".

"You got to know her deep inside"

  • How do you know someone or something if you don't study? I encourage my couples to become students of their partners. Study them as a student would study a college course, a football fan every play, a mechanic the complexities of an engine.
  • To study deep is to know and understand the subtle intricacies that make things tick.

"Hear every thought"

  • Have you studied her so well that you can hear her thoughts from reading her body language, her facial expressions, her tones? Do you know how to read her patterns? Have you learned to anticipate her needs, wishes and wants? It can be done and as you do so you will have someone who will feel so loved and so grateful.

"See every dream"

  • What are her dreams, goals, aspirations? Go deeper. What are the hidden most secret desires of her heart. Listen to them without judgment, censure or commentary.  Instead, be in awe of the complex being who has chosen to share her life with you. Maybe she has even given up some of her dreams just so she could be with you instead. Think on that. Honor that. Be in grateful awe of that!

"And give her wings when she wants to fly"

  • Support her in every big or small thing she wants to try. Why not? The reasons you may give such as money or time constraints may be legitimate concerns but they are barriers that must be worked around as they are only excuses. A woman who is supported in her passions is a woman who stays passionate.

"Tell her that she's really wanted"

  • Women seek security and stability. It has been called the "nesting instinct". There's something of great value to that. By knowing she is wanted by you she is given every reason to continue in the safety of this nest. But you must tell her: Say "I love you." "I appreciate how much you help me by doing _________". Write it in a note and a card. Express appreciation. Do these FREQUENTLY and do not be stingy in the expression of your love, appreciation and affection for her.

"Tell her that she's the one"

  • Are you communicating directly and indirectly that she above all others is the one? Or are you commenting on the beauty of this woman or that woman? Do you take a double-take when a beautiful woman passes by? Stop it! Instead, when you see a beautiful woman when then two of you are out together, quickly look at your wife instead and smile. Then when your woman looks at you she'll see that you are looking at her and not the other woman. Comment frequently on how attractive you find your wife. Let her know why she is so important to you: Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Let her know how lost you'd be without her. Let her know that is because of her that you have your treasures (your children) and that you will love her every day of her life because of that one profound fact. Flood her with a knowledge that she alone is the one and that you choose her again afresh every day.

"She needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever and that you'll always be together."

  • This goes into the intelligent need for safety and security.

"Let her hold you 'til ya know how she needs to be touched"

  • It has been said that when it comes to sex, "Men are microwaves. Women are crockpots." Women are certainly more complex (that's a good thing, guys!) sexually, and the man who takes the time not only for foreplay but to really understand how she likes to be touched will find a grateful and more willing partner. It is important to note as well that sex usually begins two weeks before sex for women. She'll be paying attention, subconsciously, to how much you tune into her needs with all of the above. Does he attend to my request to take out the garbage?  translates into "If he doesn't tune in and listen to something as simple as taking out the garbage then how on earth will he be able to tune into the complexity of my female sexuality?"

"You've gotta breathe her, really taste her 'til you can feel her in your blood

  • This goes with really knowing, studying, learning, tuning in until it becomes a visceral experience. A true connection. This is where "two shall become one".

"And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes

  • See the big picture. See beyond the now. See your future together. This helps us get beyond the daily stuff we get stuck in, the daily annoyances, the squabbles, the differences.

"Give her some faith

  • Spend less time arguing with her and "correcting" her. Instead, give her credit. Believe in her. Trust her. Her methods may be different from yours and so what? You are not the Decider of All That Is Brilliant. You have opinions. She does too. Give her some space, bro.

"Hold her tight

  • Hold her hand. Cuddle up next to her on the coach. Spoon in bed. Keep your hands off her boobs for a while. Let her know you want HER and not just her sex.

"Tenderness

  • I've had guys say to me, "Men don't act like this." Well, yes and no: Happily married men act like this. Unhappily married and/or divorced men don't act like this (they tend to act more like the stereotypical "manly" men).  Which outcome do YOU want?
  • This isn't about "getting in touch with your feminine side" guys. I don't have a feminine side and neither do you. We are men. But since you chose to be with a woman this is ALL about getting in touch with her feminine side and treating that femininity with respect for what that femininity requires, needs and wants.

"Treat her right

Duh! But man, does this one get missed—a lot! Basic manners, etiquette, respect and chivalry NEVER go out of style:

  • Open her door;
  • Pull out her chair for her;
  • Wait for her to be seated before you sit down;
  • Stand when she enters the room or approaches the table,
  • Say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me".
  • Introduce her immediately to others;
  • Compliment her in front of others, frequently;
  • NEVER criticize her in front of others;
  • Beg her pardon when you err, if you messed up say, "I was wrong. I am sorry." Period. Don't make excuses;
  • Bring her flowers "just because";
  • Pamper her;
  • Discover the little things that make her feel loved and do them frequently;
  • Be nice. There's NO excuse for calling her a name EVER. She is yours to protect and defend—most of all from yourself!

And the outcomes these behaviors generate:

"You find yourself lying helpless in her arms

  • Regardless of how tough and strong you are as a man everyone has weakness and vulnerability. We may not be comfortable showing it to others, but we need to have at least one place in our lives were we can be FULLY ourselves—strength and weakness together. If there's one place where that's good to be, it's in your woman's arms. That is her strength to understand your pain and your weakness and to love you fully because of your weakness, not in spite of it.

"You know...

  • To truly know love. Wow, what security that brings. Freedom from jealously and insecurity. To truly know you are both in love removes so much fear and anxiety and stress from our lives as we know that regardless of what happens in the rest of this crazy world, there is one person who makes sense, who is constant, who is there.

"She will be there for you

  • Wow. Think of that. She will be there for you. Can you name a higher honor or compliment that could be bestowed from one human to another? What greater gift is there than to give of one's self and one's life's devotion. It is amazing. See it as such.

"Taking good care of you

  • A woman who is well taken care of in all the ways discussed above finds joy and pleasure in taking care of her man. Women, would you agree?

LISTEN TO ALL THE SONGS IN THE 52 LOVE SONGS PROJECT HERE